Have you ever wondered what it would be like to be a Law Enforcement Officer, to put on a uniform and to go out and protect and to serve? What an honor it would be and the respect you would get. I could sit here and tell you it's the greatest job in the world, like most Law Enforcement Officers would do. When I started 19 years ago, it was great, fun and exciting. I could be here for hours telling you some amazing stories, some you wouldn't think were true, but they truly are. 

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The job isn't for everyone. Not everyone should be a Law Enforcement Officer. It takes a special kind of person to do what I do. I'm not trying to be all high and mighty, but it does take a different kind of person to be able to do what we do. Physically, and most of all mentally. Not everyone understands the stress that comes along with this job, especially during this time we're living in, lock-downs, the virus, riots and death. Being shot at just because of the badge I wear on my chest. I would say if you were ever in the Military you would understand (much love and respect to you). Never knowing what the day will bring. Will you make it home at the end of the day. It really puts stress on your heart. 

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You think we're a big family, but that's a farce. You speak out for what's right and you get shoved in the dark. No one to talk to when you're hurt or in pain. So most of the time you just hold it all in, which isn't great because when you're home you start to fight with the ones who mean the most to you.

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It's easy for someone who has never done this job to complain and say they can do it better, I don't see you joining though. I want you to understand what it's really like for us. Unless you do the job you will truly not know. You will never know the pain, hurt, and sweat. Even if you go on a ride-along or do a police simulator test. You will never know the true feeling of putting your life on the line every day for someone you don't even know and the impact it has on your family. I do this job to protect my family and I do it to protect yours. I do it with honor and the utmost respect. I just wish you could understand and not disrespect.

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As of today, October 18, 2020, Law Enforcement suicides alone are at 144 for this year. Last year there were 228 reported suicides. Another 224 have died in the line of duty bringing the overall total to 368 for 2020. 

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If that didn't just crush you, I don't know what will. Here's a little something written from a Cop's mind. I hope you can feel a little bit of what he or she may feel. God Bless.

 

Shots Fired! Shots Fired! I've Been Hit! 

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The words you never want to say or hear when you're working as a Law Enforcement Officer, "Shots fired! Shots fired! I've been hit!" 

As I wait for what's coming next...

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Just saying those words makes me sick to my stomach. As I sit here in thought, my heart races, I have to pause, I take a slow deep breath... holding back the tears. 

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Oh, what a year this has been!

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The sounds of those words keep echoing in my mind as they're being spoken more and more during this time. I just want those words to stop, but they won't. They just keep getting louder and louder! I just want it all to stop! 

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I have to pause again, take another slow deep breath, but this time, I have to wipe the tears from dripping down my face... 

What the hell is this? I grip my gun tighter. 

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Whether you're the one calling it out over the air, or you hear your partner calling it out, the feeling that overwhelms your body and takes full control... the helplessness, the rage, the fear and the sudden rush of power all wrapped up into one. It's a feeling you don't wish on anyone. 

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Is your voice on the radio going out? Can someone hear you, do I need to shout? The radio air traffic just won't stop. The squelch of the radio... is this fucking thing going out? 

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Now the ringing in your ears combines with the echoes of those words you never want to hear. As you wait to see and hear what's coming next. The will to survive kicks in and you fight like hell to live. 

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Flashes of lights in your eyes, pictures of your kids in your mind... what is this, am I bleeding out? All I did was come to work to protect, serve and defend. I came to help you as a friend. 

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Now I'm dying, "Why?" I just want to hear my daughter say, "I love you daddy" Just one more time. Will I make it home, I don't know. I pause, take another slow deep breath, my finger on the trigger...        

      

I'm waiting for what's coming next. 

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Is this another restless night, extreme nightmares of me fighting for my life? My body won't move... am I asleep? The pain is so real, I can't tell anymore. Is this my mind playing tricks... Oh God, please... PTSD is a real bitch! 

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Law Enforcement Officers are being attacked, the world around me is starting to crack. It's getting really dark now.... so much to lose. What will my family do? 

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Where's my backup? Where is my support? This is my fear, every time I go to work... Not wanting to hear those words I regret... Wondering am I the only one who got hit? 

 

The words you never want to say or hear when you're working as a Law Enforcement Officer, "Shots fired! Shots fired! I've been hit!" 

 

Will I wake up this time, I don't know... 

 

As I wait for what's coming next. 

 

All I hear is silence...

 

 

Ron Sindelar,

Deputy Sheriff